Let’s take another trip back in time to before I had a blog and wrote random essays in Microsoft Word and saved them away from a rainy day.
This is titled “Short Story by Ben Beard” with no other context. I don’t remember writing this, but it has a lot of interesting takes.
This was written over 10 years ago, right after I got married. Keep in mind this was drafted well before the founding of Musk’s company Neuralink. The short story appears below exactly how I wrote it. Enjoy!
Marriage is a wonderful thing. You get to spend the rest of your life with someone whom you think is the only person that you could stand for that long. As I look out the window of our SUV I can see the rain drops forming trails down the glass. It’s a pretty long drive to the airport from our suburban home. I have lots of time to reflect on that last twenty years of my life. In my forties still with no children I wonder what is in store next. My wife of twenty years has never wanted to have children but I have still held out hope that someday this will change. “Jeff!” she yells from the passenger seat, “watch the damn road, we’re going to be late!” In fact we were 2 hours early for our international flight out of Pittsburgh. A rainy Sunday morning that we have been looking forward to for quite some time.
After two decades we have finally reached our twentieth wedding anniversary and are celebrating by going on cruise around beautiful Europe. We have been saving money for the last ten years for this since traveling in Europe has become so expensive. Money hasn’t come easy to us lately, we have had many obstacles to get over to achieve where we are today. My wife Annie has struggled with her career and now finds herself in another job change. Starting out working with computers, she changed to marketing. While she made a lot of money doing that, she didn’t feel happy about lying to the world. Annie went through this phase of helping people and making the world a better place. Thankfully this didn’t last long because she made zero income doing that. Lately her passion has been for acting, although that ties in well with my career aspirations, I can’t cast in her in all my movies. While she waits for her late acting career to take off, she just finished neuro-nursing school and has a new job lined up for when we return. Luckily for us she will be involved with changing out and upgraded memory modules in the human brain’s neo-cortex. This will allow us to process new ideas faster and make decisions quicker than ever. They say by 2023 everyone will be completely outfitted with the new neo-cortex memory upgrade.
We’ve arrived at the airport and begin to look for a place to park. We just purchased our new vehicle so I want to park somewhere it’s not going to get damaged. This state-of-the-art SUV has all the bells and whistles, including drink dispenser, auto-steer, optional six-wheel drive, and of course neruo-memory uplink. Kia has been the face of luxury over the last ten years as Mercedes and BMW fell when Germany decided to become a socialist nation. That’s a different story that can be read out of every history book. We are happy with our purchase and see this as a new start for us. This vacation will be the beginning of our new life. When we return my latest and greatest movie production will be released. Set to be the biggest movie since ‘The Expendables 5’. I haven’t been making movies very long but I feel this is my big break. I had movie studios fighting for the rights to finance this and signed some of the biggest actors around to start in it. You will see the likes of Jaden Smith, Mark Wahlberg Jr. and established actress Tallulah Moore-Willis. I’m very proud of what I made and hope this career will be long and prosperous. Now I am focusing on having a great trip with my wife.
Occasionally, I find pleasure in embarking on a nostalgic expedition, reminiscing about my automotive journey throughout the years. Despite owning a multitude of vehicles, I cherish fond memories associated with each one. Join me on this captivating voyage, delving into the chronicles that originate before the acquisition of my driver’s license.
Acquired: Spring 2001 Model year: 1986 Model: Pontiac 6000 LE Type: Sedan Color: Blue
Technically, this was my first car, although I never had the chance to actually drive it on the road. My sister received a new hand-me-down vehicle, so she kindly passed this one down to me. At the time, I was still too young to legally drive, so the car remained parked in our yard for a year until it sadly succumbed to decay, rendering it unfit for the streets. I recall the bittersweet task of maneuvering the car within the yard, ensuring I could mow the grass beneath its stationary presence. Interestingly, it also held significance as my sister’s inaugural car, and I treasure memories of the two of us joyfully cruising around town once she obtained her driver’s license.
Acquired: Early 2003 Model Year: 1988 Model: Chevrolet Scottsdale 1500 Type: Pickup truck Color: Red
Although not solely mine, this truck served as our family’s spare vehicle. Once I obtained my license in early 2003, I took up the exclusive responsibility of driving it to both work and school. However, on a frosty day during my commute to basketball practice, I encountered an untreated icy road. As I reached the peak of the road, the truck lost control, resulting in a distressing rollover into the nearby ditch. Regrettably, this incident marked the final time the truck was ever driven by anyone.
Acquired: Spring 2004 Model Year: 1990 Model: Chevrolet Cavalier Type: Coupe Color: White
Finally, I acquired my very first car, one that truly belonged to me and granted the freedom to go wherever and whenever I pleased. My great-grandfather, no longer capable of driving, offered me the opportunity to purchase his vehicle as I prepared to embark on my college journey. Acquiring the car for a mere $200, despite its rusting exterior and numerous repairs required, I wholeheartedly embraced the task of making it my own. Equipped with an MP3-CD player, an amplifier, and subwoofers, it transformed into the archetypal first car, a symbol of teenage independence.
Acquired: Summer 2005 Model Year: 1991 Model: Chrysler New Yorker Salon Type: Sedan Color: Silver
My trusty Cavalier, my reliable companion, unfortunately endured a fateful encounter with a deer that left it beyond repair. It became evident that it was time to bid farewell. However, as luck would have it, my sister once again received a new hand-me-down, resulting in me inheriting the second-hand hand-me-down, a silver Chrysler New Yorker that belonged to our grandmother. While undeniably a quintessential “grandma’s car,” I couldn’t care less because it boasted luxurious features like air conditioning, power locks, seats, and windows. I was riding in luxury!
Acquired: Fall 2006 Model Year: 1996 Model: Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo Type: SUV Color: Silver
After patiently waiting, my older sister finally made the exciting leap to purchase her very own car, leaving me with the last remaining hand-me-down—a glorious Jeep that would become my first personal vehicle! This rugged beauty had the power to conquer any terrain and weather condition. I cherished every aspect of it, except perhaps the color. This versatile SUV served as the faithful steed that accompanied me on my journey towards independence, as I used it to move into my own apartment and embrace adulthood. It remained in my possession until 2013, when it transitioned into my third vehicle. Sadly, space constraints led me to part ways with it, and I managed to sell it for a steal at $1500, even by the standards of that time.
Acquired: Winter 2009 Model Year: 2004 Model: Chevrolet Trailblazer LS Type: SUV Color: Maroon
At the time, my future wife and I were sharing a living space, and the necessity for a second vehicle arose. Coincidentally, my uncle expressed his desire to part with his Trailblazer. I gladly embraced the opportunity, making it my daily driver. Similar to the Grand Cherokee, this resilient vehicle appeared capable of conquering any road conditions. However, it turned out to be the first vehicle that presented me with a plethora of issues. From faulty oxygen sensors to a troublesome transfer case, I found myself investing a significant amount of money to ensure its roadworthiness.
Acquired: Spring 2011 Model Year: 2008 Model: Chevrolet Trailblazer LT Type: SUV Color: Moondust
The initial experience with the Trailblazer did not deter me, as I promptly dove into another one, this time opting for a slightly newer model from a dealership. Determined to make a statement, I went all-in with modifications on this SUV, gradually transforming it into a stylish ride over the course of 2-3 years of ownership. The enhancements included a cutting-edge multimedia player with a video display, a convenient backup camera, an impressive amp and subwoofer setup, sleek 20-inch wheels, dazzling HID lights, and an intricate web of wiring to tie it all together.
Acquired: Summer 2012 Model Year: 2013 Model: Kia Optima SXZ Type: Sedan Color: Black
Following our marriage, my wife and I decided to embark on the exciting journey of purchasing our very first brand new car, which happened to be fully loaded with all the bells and whistles. Although our initial intention was to acquire an SUV or crossover, we ended up with a surprisingly powerful sedan that punched well above its weight for its time. It became the vehicle I affectionately dubbed my “first sports car.” We took this car on countless adventures, as it served as our daily drivers while we both commuted to the same office. However, the truth about our Kia soon became apparent. It required frequent visits to the dealership for repairs and maintenance, which fortunately were covered under warranty. Nevertheless, the countless hours spent dealing with these issues made us realize that our time was indeed precious and not easily replaced.
2013 – 2013 GMC Terrain SLE, SUV (Iridium)
Acquired: Winter 2013 Model Year: 2013 Model: GMCTerrain SLE Type: SUV Color: Iridium
Envious of the impressive features found in the Kia Optima, I made the decision to trade in my 2008 Trailblazer for what I believed was a promising SUV, the GMC Terrain. Initially drawn to its rugged aesthetic, my enthusiasm waned after a few months of driving, as it felt more akin to operating a minivan. Equipped with an underpowered 2.4L I-4 engine, the vehicle struggled to conquer the hilly terrain of Western Pennsylvania. It became evident that this purchase was a regrettable mistake, as keeping my Trailblazer would have likely been a wiser choice in the long run.
Acquired: Summer 2013 Model Year: 2013 Model: Ford Focust ST Type: Hatchback Color: Tangerine Scream
Feeling dissatisfied with the unenjoyable experience of driving the GMC Terrain, I yearned for something more thrilling. Despite having no prior experience with manual transmissions, I was enticed by the allure of mastering this skill, considering it the epitome of cool. What better way to learn than by purchasing a brand new car to practice on? Ironically, I couldn’t even drive it off the lot, requiring my dad to bring it home for me. Determined to become proficient, I dedicated numerous hours in the following days to learn the art of shifting gears, operating the clutch, and navigating the open road. Surprisingly, I picked up the techniques rather swiftly, and the rest, as they say, is history. However, my joy was short-lived, as after accumulating around 6,000 miles, I found myself involved in an accident that inflicted substantial damage upon my beloved Focus. While it should have been deemed a total loss, it miraculously survived. Unfortunately, the repairs took over three painstaking months, leaving me eagerly yearning to reclaim my rightful place behind the wheel.
Acquired: Summer 2014 Model Year: 2014 Model: Jepp Grand Cherokee Limited Type: SUV Color: Granite
Seeking to bid farewell to the Kia, my wife expressed her desire for a Jeep. Without conducting extensive research, we impulsively purchased one that appealed to our aesthetic preferences right off the lot. This marked our first experience with a leased vehicle, which seemed ideal considering our tendency to frequently switch cars. The Jeep, while fairly generic in its design, provided a smooth ride that we thoroughly enjoyed, and in our eyes, its appearance was quite impressive. It became our trusted companion during numerous memorable road trips. When the lease eventually expired, there was no doubt in our minds that we desired another Jeep to continue our automotive adventures.
Acquired: Winter 2016 Model Year: 2016 Model: Subaru WRX Limited Type: Sedan Color: Blue
A few years had passed since my accident with the Focus ST, and I felt it was time to move on from that chapter of my automotive journey. Aware that I would face significant financial losses due to the wreck and subsequent repairs, I accepted the inevitable hit on the trade-in value. After negotiating a deal, I took the leap and placed an order for a brand new Subaru WRX, equipped with a manual transmission, of course. The anticipation of driving off the lot in a faster and more exhilarating vehicle than my previous Focus heightened my excitement. True to my nature, I embarked on a journey of personalization, similar to what I did with my 2008 Trailblazer. The Subaru WRX underwent a series of modifications, including lighting enhancements, tinted windows, an upgraded exhaust system, and even a tuner to unleash its full potential. Undeniably, it was a thrilling car to drive, but I began to realize that it wasn’t the best fit for my body type, prompting me to seek a change and explore new automotive possibilities.
Acquired: Summer 2017 Model Year: 2018 Model: Jeep Grand Cherokee High Altitude Type: SUV Color: White
As we prepared to acquire a new Jeep, our hearts were set on finding one in a stunning white color with sleek black accents. Having come across a few similar models, we were resolute in our pursuit of this specific aesthetic. Out of all the Grand Cherokees we have owned, this one stood out as my personal favorite due to its striking appearance. One notable enhancement in this model year was the integration of Apple CarPlay, which, at the time, was a must-have feature for me. True to its predecessors and successors, this Jeep proved to be exceptional, consistently delivering reliable performance without ever letting us down.
Acquired: Spring 2014 Model Year: 2014 Model: Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Shara Type: SUV Color: Mojito!
Traditionally, I had regarded the Jeep Wrangler as an unattractive vehicle. However, the allure of a convertible SUV capable of venturing off-road intrigued me. When the JL model was announced, its new styling instantly captivated my attention, particularly in one of the newly introduced colors—green. Acquiring this specific shade proved to be a bit of a wait, as the Mojito! color wasn’t scheduled for production until Q2 of 2018. Although I had engaged with my Jeep dealer early on in 2018, it wasn’t possible to place an order just yet. As soon as the order banks opened for the coveted green Jeep, I eagerly arrived at the dealership, unbeknownst to them that the system was ready to accept my order. Naturally, I ordered a manual transmission.
Several months later, I bid farewell to my WRX as I traded it in for a brand new, four-door Jeep Wrangler. Owning this vehicle proved to be an immensely enjoyable experience. I found myself frequently switching between the hard and soft tops, and during summer, I relished the freedom of removing the doors. Adding my personal touch, as I had done with previous vehicles, I incorporated custom elements such as an exhaust system, a light bar, reverse lights, and even some homemade decals.
However, in 2022, I made the decision to bid farewell to the Wrangler. As it aged and ventured out of warranty, I recognized that the used car market was flourishing, presenting an opportune moment to secure a favorable deal. Consequently, I couldn’t resist parting ways with the Wrangler and seizing the advantageous offer that presented itself.
Acquired: Winter 2021 Model Year: 2021 Model: Jeep Grand Cherokee High Altitude Type: SUV Color: Black
Once again, it was time for a new Jeep Grand Cherokee, following the familiar pattern. This time, we opted for a sleek all-black paint with a stylish accent mix. Seeking an extra boost of power, we upgraded to the V8 Hemi engine. Presently, we continue to drive this vehicle, but we are actively searching for its successor. As of now, we are entertaining the possibility of straying from Jeep for the first time in quite a while. The outcome remains uncertain. While this particular Jeep Grand Cherokee has served us well overall, its technology and drivetrain have become outdated and are in need of a refresh.
Acquired: Spring 2021 Model Year: 2020 Model: Honda Grom 125 Type: Motorcycle Color: Green
Driven by the desire to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I faced resistance from my concerned wife who believed it was too dangerous. To find a middle ground, we reached a compromise: I would opt for a small and slow bike that I could comfortably ride around town. This led me to the Honda Grom, and naturally, I chose it in a vibrant shade of green. With its 125cc engine, it struggles a bit to carry my larger frame, but it gets the job done. After the purchase, I enrolled in a motorcycle safety course and successfully obtained my license. As life has evolved with the arrival of our child and less available riding time, I find myself considering parting ways with the Grom. However, I genuinely enjoy the experience of riding a motorcycle, so we’ll see if I can persuade my wife to let me upgrade to something slightly larger and more suited to my current needs.
Acquired: Spring 2022 Model Year: 2022 Model: Toyota Tundra Platinum Type: Pickup Truck Color: Gray
Since I first started driving, I had always yearned for a pickup truck to call my own. Seeing most people around me with their trucks while I drove cars or less impressive SUVs intensified my desire. The primary obstacle that stood in my way was the price tag. As much as I longed for a top-of-the-line trim, it consistently exceeded my budget. However, when the announcement of the F-150 Lightning came, it felt like the perfect truck for me. Not only did it possess a bed and a frunk for storage, but it was also an electric vehicle—an appealing combination. Without knowing the precise pricing details, I eagerly placed a $100 deposit to secure a future opportunity to purchase one.
When the time finally arrived and the time slots and pricing were disclosed, it became apparent that the truck I desired was beyond my financial reach and would not be available for a couple more years. Determined to make my truck ownership dream a reality, I thoroughly explored every available truck option in early 2022. After careful consideration, I ultimately settled on the Toyota Tundra Platinum. The decision was influenced by various factors, including its technology features, and the offer I received for my Jeep Wrangler provided the means to step up to a new tier of vehicles. I joined a waiting list and patiently waited for about a month until I received a call informing me that the exact truck I desired was ready for delivery. Without even test driving it, I sold my Jeep to Driveway.com and, just a few days later, made the purchase of my truck.
Thus far, owning a truck has surpassed my expectations. I find myself utilizing it as a true workhorse more frequently than anticipated. Without hesitation, I can confidently say that I would happily buy another Tundra in the future.
I am already contemplating the replacement of my current Toyota Tundra with a newer model, as it offers upgraded features that were not available when I made my purchase. While the actual decision remains uncertain, if everything aligns, it may happen in 2024.
Meanwhile, the lease on our current Grand Cherokee is nearing its end, prompting us to actively search for the next vehicle. Presently, we have narrowed down our options to a shortlist that includes the 2024 Volkswagen Atlas Cross Sport, the 2024 Chevrolet Traverse RS, and, of course, the 2024 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Stay tuned to discover which of these options we will ultimately drive away with as our next vehicle!
Please enjoy this gallery of my car photography over the years:
Written by my 13 year-old self during the summer of ’99
The day that I moved I was fussing with my CD player so the wire was not attached to the device so I took the only tape I had at the moment and took it off the back of the box behind me. Then after a while it was up and running and of course I was listening to it. That summer I stayed with my dad because Mom made me, I was too bad. But then they found a house out in the country so I decided to go with them. I debated over the switching school thing but I decided I needed to go with them. Well anyways, I was staying with my Aunt Ginny every day except the weekends when Dad and Donna were home. Then once the first day of school I was nervous not about the new school, it was not knowing anybody. So my dad went out with me to the bus stop for the first time then so as I saw Steve, my best friend now, I knew I had seen him before. Then Rob introduced everyone, he was real friendly and then the bus came. The first day was going good I only got lost twice until seventh period when I had no idea where the science room was and when I was walking in the right direction, I saw Steve lost and looking for the same class. So I said, “Are you lost?” He said, “Yeah.” So I told him to go this way and then we found it. Next couple weeks we were best friends and we had three classes together. So then by Christmas we were best friends or my best friend he had others.
Then one hot day in February we decided to go to our friend Tom and Pete’s house so we decided to go down the hill (wrong move Ben). Half way down I started to shake because of my loose back tire and we were going about 60mph. Then I suddenly hit the ground and while I was out I was having flashbacks of the same thing over and over again. Then I woke up bloody and hurting and then Mr. Olsen came out because Steve had told Keith to get him and he drove me up then Ruth and Donna drove me to the ER where they said I had shattered my elbow almost the worst possible way. Then I had surgery and got six screws, one plate, four pins, and a wire in my arm holding it together (I hope you’re not eating Ben, like don’t read this when you’re eating). Well then I was all stapled up and then I was home for two weeks. Went back to school and was allowed to do things. Then I was fine for a while. I went to Cedar Point. Then just recently, I went to Raystown Lake and had the best time of my life. We rented a boat that had a water ski and tubing back on it. Then Mike said, who wants to go first and I said I would (Ben would, he wants to screw up his elbow just before his final surgery). So I did and I sucked then everyone else tried it and Dave went the best and then when we went to go bring the boat back I wanted to go again and I fell off after one minute, but then got back on for approximately 10 minutes, the longest in the history of the Beard’s (Ben goes from zero to her in only the short Tim elf recently turned 13 years of his life, yeah right…). Then we rented a jet ski which Dave drove and I went and it was awesome! Then the next day me, John, Mom, and Jordy went to Sandcastle for a day and we rode everything, I even rode the Go-Karts. Now I’m at Grams typing this with staples in my arm from my final surgery, cool huh? (Yeah Ben, really cool, I bet everyone wants staples in their arm just like you)
Now to explain my story as you’ve seen these “( )”, those are from my inner self and what he thinks of things (Yeah that’s me Ben, why don’t you just suck it and shut up you fuckin’ Dick head, thanks). Well in the next story coming out this fall you’ll see and read about what went on with me and everyone else at school.
By Ben Beard 7/18/99 9:42pm
Notes from the publisher: I have transcribed this diatribe (almost) word for word only fixing some typographical errors such as “ur”, “w/“, “ull”, and “every1”. I’d like to think that my writing and overall story telling have come a long way in the last 20-some years.